Stress

It’s been quite a while since my last entry here, but I thought now would be a good time to ramble a bit. I’m sitting outside, in the best spot I can find in this God forsaken town..On a park bench, underneath a tree in the lawn of the art school. This is the first time in several weeks that I have been able to stop and clear my head.. I am finishing up my final projects and presentations for my senior design classes, so these past two and a half weeks have been the most hectic weeks of my life.. I had 8 projects and a 10 page essay (along with 2 exams and a part-time job) to complete all within this two-week death sentence….

Currently I have managed to finish all but two, which are due tomorrow.. Looks like another long night for me! I have been averaging about 3 hours of sleep each night, and pulling at least 2 all nighters each week. There have been occasions where I had an opportunity to sleep in after a long night of work, and boy did I take advantage of that!!

Paranoia and anxiety tends to set in about the third day of little to no sleep, and this is not healthy for any kind of stable sense of life. I introduced myself to caffeine pills to aid me in my quests to pass these projects….these do not help the anxiety. However, they do make you forget about it for a few hours while all you can do is crank out a high volume of work through your hawk-eyed tunnel vision.

It’s a strange feeling being able to sit still now. As I type this I know that I have a full 15 minutes before I have to clock-in at work…well..10 now.. Those past 5 minutes seemed to creep by!

I realize that my writing is not nearly put in the same style as it would normally reflect..my thoughts are even more sporadic, and nothing seems to cross my mind even the slightest bit before I’m on to the next thought. I want to slow down, and enjoy these last 10 minutes, but I know my body won’t let me..It’s amazing how momentum works! You can move and move, seemingly endlessly until something snaps and your body decides it will no longer meet your demands..I am almost at that point!

Three. More. Days…. That’s all I have left before this marathon of a month will finally move on to it’s recovery period..

Stay hydrated my friends…this too shall pass..

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Life’s Lessons

Over the past few months I have been holding onto this idea of writing down some of the little, and big, lessons that life has taught me since I so helplessly entered this world. And since this blog is all about letting go, it’s about time that I hang them out to dry. So here goes:

1. Not everyone is as they appear. Even the people you see from a distance that look like they could cause no good to anyone may surprise you. You don’t know their story, so there is no grounds to judge them. Same goes for the people that seem the nicest towards you. 

2. There is an opportunity in almost every situation. Take control of it and let it work for you. 

3. Your attitude changes your reality. Almost any situation can be seen from a multitude of viewpoints, make yours the one that brings the most positive outcome. 

4. Money is fake, but the world today is driven by it. It doesn’t control happiness, but it does control comfort. Find a happy medium between the two. 

5. Marriage is not happiness. Even though I am not married, I have been around enough married people to know that marriage is not what brings happiness. You have to bring the happiness into the marriage by having a strong and happy relationship. A piece of paper is no more of a commitment than a potato sack is a coat. It may make you feel good and warm for a bit, but after all, it’s just a potato bag..

6. Resisting work is harder than doing the work. Procrastination is one of the most time consuming, exhausting things that you can do with your time. If you love your work, then why resist it? (I’m still working on that one)

7. Do what you love and you will hardly be working,

8. Enjoy the little things. Looking back on all of the things that have made me the happiest over the years, it wasn’t the big events that brought me that joy. It was all of the little details. People smiling, laughing, just talking. Or even just sitting by myself with a nice cup of green tea, soaking in the world.

9. There is no need to rush. Walking, driving, or even thinking. Patience can open doors that you wouldn’t have even realized were there. Is it bothering you that the person in front of you is drive exactly the speed limit? Why not slow down and join him, it might be peaceful to let go for a minute.

10. Religion does not make you a better person. Actions do. 

11. Thoughts create actions create habits create character. 

12. Emotions are there to guide us, not to hurt us.

13. Follow your beliefs. If you don’t believe something, don’t tell people, or yourself, that you do. Primarily speaking about religion but it applies to other areas as well. Be completely honest with yourself in your beliefs. It’s 100% ok to open your heart to anything that you truly believe. 

14. Great things come in small packages. Especially girls. But even the big packages can be exactly what you were looking for. 

15. Most advertising is evil. Don’t believe everything you see. 

16. The biggest luxury in life is health. But keep in mind that sometimes doing without luxuries can be a gift hidden among the struggle. 

17. Almost everything you see is a reflection of your state of mind. 

18. Somethings are out of your control, and that’s ok. 

17. Meditation can do wonders for a weak soul. Even a strong one will benefit greatly. 

18. Even men can take baths. 

19. The way you treat yourself is just as important as how you treat everyone else. Physically, and emotionally, nothing can boost your energy like taking good care of yourself. 

20. Your life is an open book. You have the freedom to write it as you wish. Every situation may not be in your control, but what you can control is your reaction and response to those situations. Grow from them. 

 

 

Sensations

I awoke in a state of pleasant satisfaction. A cool breath seeps in through the open window. To my left I notice a small movement, maybe the wind blowing back my loosely hung curtain. I ponder this for a moment…What time is it? My gaze shifts to a dim light—too fuzzy to make out.. I squint trying to decipher the lines that are slowly focusing into something, somewhat recognizable. The crisp night air sneaks into my lungs, waking me from my mindless condition.

—3:15—

Let’s start at the beginning

It’s the moments like this that time itself seems to stand, motionless, patient, almost as if it is willing to pause completely until I’m done resolving my thoughts. Nothing else matters—Just me, and whatever feeling or thought happens to jump across this blank canvas. My body goes through stages of weightlessness, heaviness, and almost feeling as if nothing but my mind and lungs exist. I breathe in, I breathe out..That’s all there is to it. I breathe in, I breathe out…

In the midst of this hazy stairway, my body fills with the energy around me. It smells like something that can only be described as the calm serenity of Nature. Peaceful..Natural.. I close my eyes and take a step down. My foot settles as my body follows. I breathe in…I breathe out…—Another step— The haze grows as the light becomes dimmer. I feel the warmth radiating from what awaits me below. My subconscious begs me to keep moving; it knows what questions are calling for answers.. It knows the answers are just a few steps away.

I breathe in….I breathe out…

My fingertips begin to buzz.. It won’t be

long before I feel the sensation travel, ever slowly, up my arms.

I breathe in….I breathe out..

I wonder how long I can stay in this state once I get there? Will all

of my questions be answered? What do I ne—        The silence begins…

I breathe in….I breathe out…

Colors begin to form through the fog. Blues, Browns,

Greens, Yellows….Sunlit streams dancing around my feet.

It all begins to clear. The once unknown surroundings are opening up, welcoming me to this place of tranquility. I feel soft grass tickling the bottoms of my feet…Warm gentle gusts of wind toy with my hair. I begin to smile. A long, genuine smile, realizing that nothing will interrupt me from experiencing all of these amazing sensations. I can spend as long as I wish, peacefully walking, living in this moment. The sunlight glances off the leaves, swirling around with the wind, almost as is they are leading me further into this dream. The bright orange and vibrant green hues of the forest ahead welcome me. I notice a small stream off to my right, trickling, bubbling, flowing perfectly over smooth stones…Cascading down and splashing playfully in the pool below..continuing to flow..Pulling me forward as if I’m not walking any longer..Separate from my body, I keep moving.. The weightlessness makes it so incredibly easy!

….to be continued.

Self Discovery

   Let’s Begin

There is something peaceful about writing that I never discovered until I met my first English teacher in college. She was a wacky old bat, but her heart was in the right place. She instructed us to keep a daily journal to write our thoughts down in. Every day, one hour. No distractions. Just us and the page in front of us…was she crazy? First semester freshman year, and she is expecting us to have no distractions? Naturally I resisted… I mean—at first I resisted..

But then one day when the grades started catching up with me, I decided to do it. I sat out on the back porch of the dorm. The side that no one ever visited except to come and go occasionally. I remember this clear as day.. It was warm. I sat in an oversized wooden chair, just staring around me, then back at the blank page—all the while wondering why the hell this woman wanted us to do this. And then it started flowing…

I felt the wind, not a strong wind. Just strong enough to carry the warmth across my skin and make the hairs jump back and forth on my head.. and so I wrote about it:

Peace. Infinite. Warm. Smooth. 

—Tranquility—

Something about the way the wind was pushing and pulling the page, flipping and turning it, in no particular direction, inspired me to write those words. Stream of Consciousness I suppose. But something about having the freedom to do that has always appealed to me. No one can stop me to say it’s bad form. No one can correct me if I make a mistake in my spelling. It doesn’t matter—everything is perfect, no matter what comes out. I can curse like a sailor, and I can write whatever thoughts cross my mind, no matter how light or dark they make be….I .can. write. like. this. if. I. want. just. to. piss. people. off. that. may. read. it…Complete freedom! Now this was new to me, I had to explore it.

And so I did. Page after page just saying whatever I felt like saying. I talked about college. About my girl. My random thoughts about the kids on campus. Quite a bit about my childhood and my struggle with arthritis. Our teacher promised that if we put a paper clip on the pages or a note attached to it, she would respect our journals and our privacy, and only check to make sure the words were there on the page, not what they say. I believe she kept her word.

It wasn’t until after the semester had ended that I took the time to actually read back on everything I had written about. But when the time came, I did. And it was AMAZING what I discovered. They were no longer just words on the page. Not just random things that I wanted to talk about that day. No—they told a story. In all of its chaotic mess, together they told a story. Each day was a mirror, staring me straight in the eyes—literally speaking my own thoughts back to me. It was surreal. The voice in my head was mine, except younger. Even though it was only a month or two ago that I wrote it, I could tell I had learned and matured ever so slightly since then. The words I wrote one those days weren’t just words, and I saw that the very first time I read it over again. They told the story of my inner thoughts. The thoughts that weren’t on the paper. The ones that were left out. Those were all that remained inside me, the others were facing me, inked into the notebook.

This was when the idea first, truly, hit home:

…Meditation..